Paying the Piper

Earlier this year, my husband was talking to our neighbors, who were commenting to him how wonderful it is to hear our children laughing and playing in the yard.  The neighborhood, they said, having lived in it for a good many years before we moved in, used to be full of young families and kids running around everywhere.  The last few years?  Not so much.  Some families have moved away, and others have grown up since then.  But it seems that even the families who have moved in to replace them have fewer children.  What a remarkable change that must be, for them to have noticed so clearly, and for my little family to stand out in such a way.

Another friend of mine, with well-meaning if misguided intentions, asked me "Do you really think abortion affects your life in any real way?"  Their point, of course, was that since I'm not "directly affected" by abortion, I ought to keep my moral-high-ground mouth shut and let these people make their own bad decisions.  But the question got me thinking: Is it possible to quantify in some way the effect that abortion has had on my life?  How likely is it that I know (or rather, ought to know) somebody who has been aborted?

After a surprisingly light amount of digging and a little calculator work, I found my answer.

30.

That is how many people are missing from your life because of abortion.  30 people, who never had the chance to be a part of things, who may have missed out on the suffering of life, but who also missed out on the joys and triumphs of learning and growing and loving.  For those of you interested in hearing how I arrived at my answer, read on- if you see any glaring errors in math, please let me know.  For those of you uninterested, you can go ahead and skip to the bottom.

According to the CDC in 2009, well over 700,000 abortions were reported for the year in the US (this does not include "unreported" abortions, which are reputedly common, especially in businesses that have no compunction against covering up statutory rape, or performing "live birth" or late term abortions illegally).  The US has a current estimated population of 315,565,515.  "Dunbar's Number," an estimate for how many people each person functionally "knows," including relatives, friends, and familiar acquaintances in stable relationships, ranges from 100 to around 230, with a commonly used value of 150.  While many people maintain friendships with others limiting age ranges to within around 6 years of oneself, family members and work relationships often span larger ranges.

To gain an estimation, I look at a range of around 10 years for the average ages of those involved in a given group of relationships.  With an average lifespan of 79 years, according to the CDC, we should divide the population number by 8 (80/10): 39,445,689 (note: this is purely for an average; populations of age groups will vary in actuality, because fewer people reach older ages than those in younger ages, etc.).  If abortion rates remain fairly steady over the course of 10 years, averaging 700,000/year (VERY conservative estimate), we would average 7,000,000 in the 10 year period.  (Note: the CDC does point out that the abortion rate for 2009 was decreased from previous years, and that the ratio of live births to abortions was 1000:227).  



This means that just under 1/4 of all pregnancies end in abortion- that approximately 1/5th of a given generation or age group is missing.  Just gone.  That's about 30 of your "Dunbar's Number"- about 30 people that you might be related to, friends with, work with, are NOT HERE, because they were aborted before they had a chance to get to know you.  Do not fool yourself into thinking that abortion is a private decision, with purely private consequences.  Maybe, if abortion were actually SAFE and RARE in addition to being legal, you could argue the point.  But this is not a victimless crime, and it is certainly not something that has no impact on society as a whole or other individuals personally.  

But this is purely from a standpoint of the baby being lost; what about the other consequences of abortion?  The CDC admits to 12 abortion-related maternal deaths in the year 2008 (the latest year for which that information is available); other sources speculate on the number being much higher, due to indirect causality, but these numbers, for obvious reasons, cannot be verified.  This number may also be skewed because 1) not all areas are required to report abortions, and 2) not all abortions are legal, and therefore would be covered up as much as possible.  There are a host (over 100) of other physical complications that can result from induced abortions, such as lacerations and infections, and a whole other set of possible long-term consequences up to and including sterilization.  Psychological effects are profound for the pregnant mother and those close to her; a post-abortive mother often experiences emotional paralysis immediately following her abortion, similar to PTSD (shell-shock), and are 160% more likely than delivering women to be hospitalized for psychiatric recovery.  Depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, nervous disorders- these are all quite common in women who have gone through abortions; the only positive emotional response reported? Relief (as in, "glad that's over").  Self-medicating with drugs or an increased consumption of alcohol occur in more than 1/3 of these women, and repression of psychological effects can occur for 5 years or more- that means avoidance of people, places, things, that may remind her of her abortion, often with the result that no closure is ever achieved.  That seems like a lot of trouble to go through in pursuit of mere "relief."

Let us also not forget that abortion historically has as it's greatest proponents sexist and eugenicist movements.  Margaret Sanger herself, the founder of Planned Parenthood, was notoriously racist and sought the systematic elimination of "lesser races" and the socially "unfit" poor and infirm.  To this day, PP targets poorer minority neighborhoods, not because they are running a charity organization that also just happens to be America's largest abortion provider (I'd LOVE to take a look at their profit margins), but because they actually believe these people shouldn't be having children.  China takes the lead in abortions by a vast margin worldwide, most of which were forced upon women due to a one-child policy.  Sex-selective abortions are quite common in Asia, and are apparently gaining in popularity in other countries, including the United States.  Why?  Because boys are better than girls?  Interestingly enough, unplanned pregnancies and abortions are MORE likely in developed nations where alternate birth control is not only available, but encouraged.  It seems that the push for consequence-free sex has an effect not just on "personal, private decisions," but on our culture as a whole.

If you are blessed enough to move in circles where abortion is not acceptable, your number of missing acquaintances may be significantly smaller.  You may not know anyone personally who has had an abortion (or may not realize that you do).  But no one can pretend that these things do not affect us and our society; a person struggling with chronic depression takes that into the world around them.  A woman physically or emotionally wounded by abortion could even be rendered incapable of motherhood later on.  Even our current housing market and social security crises can be linked to the severely depleted ratio of supply and demand, as they are now realizing in several European countries as well.

Here's the gist of what I'm saying: the abortion epidemic is anything but private.  It is widespread, pervasive, and damaging to a great many people.  Abortion lobbyists have pushed for us to consider anything reproductive as "none of your business" while at the same time being as loud and proud as they can of their "sexual liberation."  Could it be that they insist on "personal and private" as a way of isolating and intimidating women who feel they have no one to go to?  How many of these women would be better helped with real support and encouragement, rather than somebody who claims to be able to sweep it all under a rug (with some really great consequences in the fine print)?  How many boyfriends/husbands/partners have withheld any sort of opinion because they've been told it's strictly a women's issue, only to have a woman give up because she can't do it on her own?  

Speak up, because this is no longer private.  It's everybody's business.

Bringing Home the Bacon

"And the King will answer them, Believe me, when you did it to one of the least of my brethren here, you did it to me."

-Matthew 25:40

I don't think many people understand what we mean when Roman Catholics say "He is our Papa."

Yes, Papa is Latin for Pope; it is, in fact, where we get the term.  The Greek is nearly identical.  But it is also the word for "Father;" and the Greek Pappas is also the child's familiar word for father- or daddy.  So yes, again, our Pope is the successor of Peter; we follow the office of the Bishop of Rome as well as our Magisterium, and he is, generally speaking, our authority figure (all pause here while we wrap our minds around willingly accepting somebody else as an authority, while maintaining that we also have a free will and intellectual capacity **gasp**).  We even have the audacity to claim that he is infallible in teaching us about matters of faith and morals.  But our Pope is also something much more, or rather, additional.

A good friend and priest once mentioned recently that all priests throughout the world are actually considered members of the papal household- that the Pope is their father, just as they often act as our spiritual fathers within our parish life.  He is not only the Head of the Church, but also spiritual director in a very profound and intimate way with all Catholics.  He gives us an example to follow; we cherish his words and blessings, we marvel when we see the ways that God works in and through him as a disciple of Christ.  It is frequently noted that the tone set by the Pope becomes the tone for the Church worldwide, especially now that the media and the internet have made so many events immediate to our lives.

So when Pope Francis was elected, the response was immediate as well.  And a little entertaining.  (Okay, maybe a lot entertaining).  Who was this man, this Jesuit, who was going to live out his vow of poverty while holding the most public office worldwide?  What do you MEAN, he paid his own hotel bill?  He washes the feet of AIDS patients??  NO RED LOAFERS?!?!?!  Honestly, all of these things are not only well within what ought to be the norm for many Catholics, but pretty darn Christ-like in their example.  I'm not sure where the surprise is coming from, but it IS pretty great in terms of calling us all to pick up the pace in our own lives.

That being said, I've been reflecting a little on how to incorporate Papa Francisco's works of mercy into my own life.  "Doing small acts with great love," a la Mother Teresa seems the way to go; after all, I am a stay-at-home Mom who will probably not be getting my own TV or radio show any time soon.  Converting thousands by my famed wit and unsurpassed evangelization technique seems pretty far-fetched at this point.  And while I know very well that forming young minds to know and love God, and to brave the World in order to change it is the most important work I can possibly be doing, the wonder and awe of that work often gets drowned out in the every day I-spend-so-much-time-changing-diapers-this-is-ridiculous brand of exhaustion.  A sense of responsibility may allow your household to function on a basic level, but it probably won't allow it to thrive, and it certainly won't help the spiritual development of yourself, your spouse, and your children.

Sometimes God likes to give us little affirmations when we're on the right track.

So today, I met Jesus at the grocery store.  At the end of a very long day, with 2 sick children at home, and the sudden realization that we have a refrigerator-restocking emergency, I had every intention of getting in, getting out, and possibly breaking my previous time record.  

Then I hit the checkout lane.  Purely to encourage me to grow in the virtue of patience, the couple in line ahead of me had trouble with the U-Scan.  But I stayed the course, thinking I could still get through faster than I would if I pulled out and found a different lane.  So I finally got to the register, payed for my things, and was halfway through bagging, when one of those people pulled in behind me.  A shining example of human vulnerability- an elderly woman, obviously frail and using a motorized cart, missing teeth, and very likely struggling with some form of dementia as well.  And a nudge from our Lord.  You want me to take care of HER, too, huh?  But I've been taking care of people all day!  

And then she spoke: "Do you work here?  Can somebody help me?"  

I looked (okay, I admit, somewhat desperately) for the cashier in charge of the U-Scan lanes, who is also apparently moonlighting in a disappearing act.  She has (unsurprisingly) vanished.  I take a moment to enjoy her magic skills and also the mischievous look that is probably on God's face right now.  Okay, let's do this.  

20 minutes later, I had helped her pay for her single item, and also had a surprisingly open glimpse into her life.  She was, in fact, suffering from various medical and mental problems, which she told me about in uncomfortable detail.  She also shared about her family; she has several grandchildren, some of whom are the same age as my own kiddos.  She was overjoyed when she realized I was pregnant.  She also told me, as I was trying to leave, that "God loves you.  I tell that to my grandson, too, every night, and he's learned to say it to others, too."  

Touche.

Tying the Knot

"Do not accept anything as Truth if it lacks Love. And do not accept anything as Love which lacks Truth."
 - St. Edith Stein

I'm going to say something that may end up alienating somebody: We live in a culture filled with people who do not know how to love.  

Today was the March for Marriage in D.C. (as you probably already know), and it strikes me that the entire reason that there is even a debate about marriage being between one man and one woman is centered around Love.  Please note that I do not pretend to encompass the entirety of Church teaching on homosexuality in this one post- God willing, I will get around to writing more one day.

First of all, let us discuss the person who struggles with same-sex attraction.  We know, of course, that temptation is not the same as sin, and also not entirely within our control.  Many homosexuals begin with a sort of "predisposition" resulting from emotional or physical abuse, a hormonal imbalance, an over-attachment to one parent or a disconnect with the other; often these problems cause a rift between the homosexual and his/her peers later on.  In these instances, it is easy to see how a person with same-sex attraction could struggle with Love; it may very well be that they have not truly experienced it in the ways that so many of us do.  It can begin so early on (especially if bad parenting contributes to the situation) that many of these people feel they were "born this way."  And from their perspective, it might certainly seem that way.  Most children have no real concept of sexuality until well after the age of reason; much later than most children begin learning gender roles, how to relate to peers, and observing how marriage works between their parents and those in their circle.  When these "predisposing" conditions affect how the person is able to relate to others, when the example set for marriage is not only uninspiring but scarring, when the person is repeatedly rejected when seeking affection- of course the way we give and receive love will be affected as well.  Parenting with this in mind is a truly terrifying prospect.

My heart aches for those who struggle in these situations; they are truly in need of real love, real support, and prayer.  Truth forces me to admit, though, that these do not amount to real excuses for behavior.  We may not be able to control the temptations that come our way, but we can control our response to them.  A person with same-sex attraction can, in fact, choose to be chaste, just as a heterosexual can.  In fact, I would posit that a truly loving person would demand chaste behavior from themselves, simply because of what Love is.

Love is the consistent will of the Good for another; that is to say, to want what is truly Good for that other person, all the time, and to act accordingly.  For the Catholic, ultimately, the Good is to live with Our Father in Heaven, but it does not necessarily exclude wanting Goods of other sorts (for example, good health, happiness, a life without undue suffering) so long as these other Goods do not interfere with the Good.  Matrimony itself is defined by the Catholic Church according to that standard; when we marry, we choose union with the other in order to seek their salvation.  The Ends (purposes) of Matrimony are unity and fecundity- that the Man and Woman be joined with their ultimate End in mind; and that they be open to having children, and raising them according to the Good, as well.  Often, to will the Good of another is to seek sacrifice for ourselves; it is not comfortable to give up my own time, money, and pleasures to ensure that my husband and children are happy, healthy, spiritually and mentally fit.  But then, isn't that what Christ taught us?  That love, by nature, is sacrificial?

For the homosexual, actively pursuing the lifestyle results in consequences that aren't to their Good.  Depression, anxiety, suicide, STD's, infidelity, and even rampant promiscuity are the norm in overwhelming numbers.  While many psychologists insist that the emotional troubles stem from the "judgement" and "persecution" of homosexuals by a rigid society, others suggest that many of these problems are representative of the lifestyle itself, and of the possibly un-diagnosed emotional traumas they have experienced earlier in life.  It seems that even in countries such as the Netherlands, where homosexuality has been legal and accepted for many years, depression and anxiety are still normative.  Regardless, the promiscuity and biological consequences are not to be scoffed at.  How could it possibly be a loving act to invite someone you're attracted to to participate in a lifestyle with you that stands a good chance of resulting in misery and a drastically shortened lifespan?  It isn't.  To truly love that other person, common sense says we would forego the temporary pleasures of sex in order to spare them the suffering that is so prevalent.  

And for those of us who simply know others who struggle with homosexuality: is it loving or just to encourage them in their vices?  Is it loving to stand aside while society seeks to normalize a disordered behavior?  Is it loving to ignore the problems that so frequently result from an unhealthy lifestyle?  These are people in desperate need of someone to truly love them- to help them find a way out, make them realize the damage they do to themselves with their behavior, to encourage them to stay chaste in an overly sexualized culture, to seek help with any lingering emotional traumas, and most importantly, to help them find the grace to overcome such a cross.  They do not need indifference.  They do not need niceness.  They need Love.

Ashes To Ashes

"Remember, oh man, that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return."

Thanks, Ash Wednesday, for reminding me of my own mistaken self-importance.

Seriously, though, this is one of my favorite times of the year (and not just liturgically speaking).  This is the time when we receive a very solid reminder of whence we came and what we are seeking.  And let's face it; all of us occasionally need to be taken down a peg to restore our faith and trust in God.  After all, what is the point of receiving the Sacraments or having an active prayer life if we can already do it all on our own?  There are so many insidious little heretical attitudes out there that insist that if we just work hard enough, stay positive enough, act nice enough, we can earn our own salvation.

Well, guess what?  We can't.  That's why we need salvation in the first place.

Kind of implies that somebody else needs to do the saving.

I'm pretty sure we all do this; it's not just me, right?  I often get so caught up in the juggling act that I forget I'm not the choreographer.  I get overwhelmed by the myriad of activities that sometimes making it to a daily Mass seems like "just one more thing to do."  I spend so many of my prayer times surrounded by children who need to be taught how and why to pray that I forget to really communicate with God.  Thankfully, I'm also pretty sure we earn at least some grace simply by making a little effort- otherwise I am missing out on half the homilies and readings for nothing.

But seriously, as Catholics, we need the occasional nudge to remind us that we have the Sacraments for a reason.  If, for instance, once we were Baptized, we were truly expected never to sin again, we wouldn't have Confession, now would we?  No, we still have that pesky free will, allowing us to sin basically whenever we feel like it.  Even when we are trying to do Good Things, there is still a temptation to do them on our own, forcing God to take the back seat, or even a separate bus when we're especially stubborn.  

That's why, this Lent, I encourage you not to simply give up your coffee or chocolate (let's be honest: sometimes the only "benefit" we get from that is you being grumpier than usual in the morning).  This time, really search yourself and decide if there is something sincerely in the way of you having a relationship with God.  And it could be that there isn't any major addiction or sin that's damaging you!  Maybe, instead of giving something up, make a commitment to focus MORE of your time and energy building up your relationship with God in positive ways.  And before you protest, let's take a moment to remember all the saints who insist that spending more time with God doesn't prevent them from getting other things done; in fact, it often allows us to act more effectively in the rest of our daily lives.  Check out daily mass times in your area; look for a 24/7 adoration chapel and sign up as an adorer, dust off that Bible and actually read it once in a while- you could even commit to memorizing a few verses over the next few weeks!  These resolutions don't have to be huge (in fact, it's usually much easier to stick to if they're not), but when we take a single step in the right direction, God pulls us along even further.

A Long Overdue Welcome

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one."  

C.S. Lewis

Welcome to all who come to the blog; whether you find me by accident or by design, I hope you return!  This is a time when there are perhaps too many blogs from which to choose, and publication of an individual's thoughts is so easy as to make yet one more irrelevant.  However, we all recognize in social media and the internet an infinite capability for reaching those who might not be reached otherwise- and so we hope to come into your home or workplace and develop a relationship of sorts, that may one day bring joy, encouragement, or even revolution!

First, a little about myself: I am a happily married mother of 4 (1 of which is still in utero), and a devoted Roman Catholic.  In fact, not only a mother, but a homeschooling mother, which might indicate either foolishness or insanity on my part.  The hubs and I are developing our own curriculum, in what I've deemed a "Trial By Fire" method- we come up with many of our own lesson plans, and I stalk the internet looking for ideas to by plagiarized or adapted to our own family life.  I'd love to share some of our ideas here on the blog, and I'm always open to questions and suggestions!  Schooling, child-rearing, family life, and advice for young moms are always topics on which we've got plenty to say.  

I've studied Catholic theology, with an emphasis on moral theology and bioethics; these are things which no doubt will crop up in the blog more often than not.  I've also been raised as a Catholic among members of the Charismatic Renewal, and the various charisms and spiritual gifts to be found in the treasury of the Church are definitely worthy of exploration.  The art, literature, and history of the Catholic Church inform me in my daily life, and I hope to share its influence with all of you as well!

More than anything, what I hope for with the blog is intuited from the quote from C. S. Lewis (one of my favorite authors): "I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."  We members of the faith have been told many times by our modern culture that our faith is private, not to be "forced" upon anyone else, and definitely not to be used as justification in any political, ethical or public sphere.  This, however, as many of you suspect, is idiocy.  Our faith in no way invalidates our convictions or opinions; our faith is One, rational, and cohesive- and as such requires us to live out our lives in accordance with those same convictions.  We cannot simply take it off at the door and leave it at home, or at our Church; rather, we are called not only by God but by that very same Truth to share it with others.  The Truth by which we are convicted allows us and also requires us to have a living relationship with that self same Truth.  There is no such thing as "Cafeteria Catholicism" or even "moral relativism" when confronted with real Truth.

I hope this gives you an idea of where the blog is going; the intent right now is to update regularly, though the topics will often vary.  Your questions and comments are always welcome (just keep 'em clean, folks!).

-Mel