Tying the Knot

"Do not accept anything as Truth if it lacks Love. And do not accept anything as Love which lacks Truth."
 - St. Edith Stein

I'm going to say something that may end up alienating somebody: We live in a culture filled with people who do not know how to love.  

Today was the March for Marriage in D.C. (as you probably already know), and it strikes me that the entire reason that there is even a debate about marriage being between one man and one woman is centered around Love.  Please note that I do not pretend to encompass the entirety of Church teaching on homosexuality in this one post- God willing, I will get around to writing more one day.

First of all, let us discuss the person who struggles with same-sex attraction.  We know, of course, that temptation is not the same as sin, and also not entirely within our control.  Many homosexuals begin with a sort of "predisposition" resulting from emotional or physical abuse, a hormonal imbalance, an over-attachment to one parent or a disconnect with the other; often these problems cause a rift between the homosexual and his/her peers later on.  In these instances, it is easy to see how a person with same-sex attraction could struggle with Love; it may very well be that they have not truly experienced it in the ways that so many of us do.  It can begin so early on (especially if bad parenting contributes to the situation) that many of these people feel they were "born this way."  And from their perspective, it might certainly seem that way.  Most children have no real concept of sexuality until well after the age of reason; much later than most children begin learning gender roles, how to relate to peers, and observing how marriage works between their parents and those in their circle.  When these "predisposing" conditions affect how the person is able to relate to others, when the example set for marriage is not only uninspiring but scarring, when the person is repeatedly rejected when seeking affection- of course the way we give and receive love will be affected as well.  Parenting with this in mind is a truly terrifying prospect.

My heart aches for those who struggle in these situations; they are truly in need of real love, real support, and prayer.  Truth forces me to admit, though, that these do not amount to real excuses for behavior.  We may not be able to control the temptations that come our way, but we can control our response to them.  A person with same-sex attraction can, in fact, choose to be chaste, just as a heterosexual can.  In fact, I would posit that a truly loving person would demand chaste behavior from themselves, simply because of what Love is.

Love is the consistent will of the Good for another; that is to say, to want what is truly Good for that other person, all the time, and to act accordingly.  For the Catholic, ultimately, the Good is to live with Our Father in Heaven, but it does not necessarily exclude wanting Goods of other sorts (for example, good health, happiness, a life without undue suffering) so long as these other Goods do not interfere with the Good.  Matrimony itself is defined by the Catholic Church according to that standard; when we marry, we choose union with the other in order to seek their salvation.  The Ends (purposes) of Matrimony are unity and fecundity- that the Man and Woman be joined with their ultimate End in mind; and that they be open to having children, and raising them according to the Good, as well.  Often, to will the Good of another is to seek sacrifice for ourselves; it is not comfortable to give up my own time, money, and pleasures to ensure that my husband and children are happy, healthy, spiritually and mentally fit.  But then, isn't that what Christ taught us?  That love, by nature, is sacrificial?

For the homosexual, actively pursuing the lifestyle results in consequences that aren't to their Good.  Depression, anxiety, suicide, STD's, infidelity, and even rampant promiscuity are the norm in overwhelming numbers.  While many psychologists insist that the emotional troubles stem from the "judgement" and "persecution" of homosexuals by a rigid society, others suggest that many of these problems are representative of the lifestyle itself, and of the possibly un-diagnosed emotional traumas they have experienced earlier in life.  It seems that even in countries such as the Netherlands, where homosexuality has been legal and accepted for many years, depression and anxiety are still normative.  Regardless, the promiscuity and biological consequences are not to be scoffed at.  How could it possibly be a loving act to invite someone you're attracted to to participate in a lifestyle with you that stands a good chance of resulting in misery and a drastically shortened lifespan?  It isn't.  To truly love that other person, common sense says we would forego the temporary pleasures of sex in order to spare them the suffering that is so prevalent.  

And for those of us who simply know others who struggle with homosexuality: is it loving or just to encourage them in their vices?  Is it loving to stand aside while society seeks to normalize a disordered behavior?  Is it loving to ignore the problems that so frequently result from an unhealthy lifestyle?  These are people in desperate need of someone to truly love them- to help them find a way out, make them realize the damage they do to themselves with their behavior, to encourage them to stay chaste in an overly sexualized culture, to seek help with any lingering emotional traumas, and most importantly, to help them find the grace to overcome such a cross.  They do not need indifference.  They do not need niceness.  They need Love.