Oh, do I.
Anyway, to get the blog back on track, I wanted to discuss something that popped up in my social media feed recently: Mila Kunis' heavy-handed statement on Jimmy Kimmel Live. I'm including the video here, but don't feel like you really need to watch it. I don't want to contribute to making a YouTube page unnecessarily popular. Suffice it to say that her message was essentially to expectant fathers: stop saying things like "we're pregnant" and "we're having a baby," because YOU'RE not.
Now, on the surface, she seems to have a point. Men don't carry the baby for 9 months, men don't have to go through the pain of labor and delivery, men don't nurse the baby after it's born, etc. etc. and so forth. Yay, women-power! and junk.
Call me crazy here, but in the struggling society that we currently own, I think the VERY LAST THING we need to be doing right now is alienating excited expectant fathers from being as involved in that baby's life as he can possibly be. To put it bluntly: that baby is ALREADY a baby, and location is irrelevant, except that a mothers' womb is where it has the greatest ability to flourish for the time being. That baby ALREADY has a mother and father, though the father may not physically be able to hold him or her yet. And in a culture where SO MANY children don't know, don't have a relationship with, or don't respect their fathers- and frankly, so many men don't even know how to BE men- we practically have to beg some Dads to get involved by just sending a check once in a while. Why on EARTH would you take it away from them? We're talking about Dads who actually want to be Dads! Just flippin' GO WITH IT! It's got half of his DNA, after all. Something tells me you'll be regretting pushing him away to stake your own claim a few months from now, when you're walking around like a zombie with a baby who just doesn't understand circadian rhythms.
We mothers- we have some serious benefits to go along with the pain and discomfort and crazy hormonal swings. You know, like aside from the unconditional love of a child. We are the first ones to feel our baby move. We literally share our blood (and torso, let's be honest) with that baby for 9 months. That's 9 months of bonding in a way that NO father EVER gets to experience- all they can do is wait. And wait. And put up with your morning sickness and mood swings and food cravings. And wait some more. There are actual books written on this topic; advice for men feeling excluded because they don't experience the bonding of pregnancy and nursing a child, and needing to find ways to fit into the life of the mother and baby and bond with both.
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| Some men apparently don't have this problem. |
But even aside from alienating fathers everywhere (and it hasn't escaped my attention that this is right before Fathers' Day) Mrs. Franco-
née-Kunis is wrong.
She is wrong for insisting that mothers can appropriate pregnancy as though the baby is their property. I thought we went through this when slavery was outlawed, but apparently we're due for a reminder: people are people, not property. No one person has ownership over another, despite any apparent responsibility owed to one or the other.
She is wrong for willfully pitting one sex against the other, as though we must constantly be in competition with one another. What a poor way to begin your parenthood together; to insist that only one of you gets the credit, when over and over again it will be proved to you that the BEST you can do for your children is work in cooperation with each other, as husband and wife, mother and father.
But what really gets me is that she is wrong because it is just selfish. What's really behind this statement is not any philosophical disputes about the rights of personhood or the bonding experience. It's just a petulant protest that I have to be pregnant, I have to be uncomfortable, I I I- and I should be the only one getting praise and encouragement and fawning attention from everybody. I get the gifts, I get to have the parties, I get to be excited, and you don't. Should your spouse or baby daddy be supportive and encouraging? Absolutely. But the best way to do that is for him to be involved- just like he was during that baby's creation, and just like he ought to be for the duration of your lives. You don't get support and encouragement by pushing away the one person who ought to be closer to you than anyone.
Another way of taking her bit- I thought it was refreshing to see an actress onstage pregnant talking about fostering human life and joking about the sacrifices she is making for her baby. I don't get where you take this as her viewing baby being property- the truth is pregnant woman do make a big sacrifices for the babies, and it's worth it! We live in a culture that is less and less supportive of pregnant women and having children, and so without taking this bit too deep, or reading into it what isn't really there. I appreciate the fact that she puts her beautiful pregnant self out there. Seriously do you know how much garbage there is out there talking about "you can't complain, you CHOSE this child so shut-up and go away" this is the selfish attitude out there that i am more concerned about. That being said I think "baby wearing" is the more inappropriately phrased term than a father saying we're pregnant Seriously... "wear your baby!" I probably read too much goosebumps as a child.. Love and miss you!
ReplyDeleteLol, I'm right there with you on "babywearing"- yes, carry your baby around with you, but don't pretend it's an accessory or something!
DeleteI see what you're saying about encouraging pregnant women- there's a definite "fecundophobia" that's really prevalent in our culture (subject of a future blog post), so if a woman has made the choice to keep her baby and be proud of her baby, then I'm all for it. My commentary isn't meant as an attack against pregnant women at all. My main point is that we NEED the support, and we shouldn't be cutting our main support out of the excitement and anticipation of having a baby. It's a lot of work, and it's exhausting, and not fun in a lot of ways- but when a man has stepped up and is excited and trying to be involved, don't shut him out, you know?